My Special Person

 

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我的特别的人 (credit: as tagged by owner)

 

I’ve been into Ten for a year now. It was exactly this month of last year. It started with a dream. And, a year later–few days ago–I dreamed about him again. Always with that perfect smile of his. His kind eyes. And I am in love again.

Before that, I missed him so bad. I felt almost empty. No news whatsoever for weeks (even months). But he was just actually there, somewhere in my heart and mind. That is why I dreamed. I unconsciously didn’t want to forget him.

And his recent activity has affirmed something. He is a special person–my special person. Because just by seeing him happy like that, brings tremendous joy to me.

I never meet him (except in dreams). But he is such an important person who can make me happy only by seeing him (or just by the news that he is okay). He is my special kind of happy pill. He is my special sunshine. He heals me.

I’ll always pray for his happiness. That is something I can do to pay him back.

Please smile everyday, Ten. Then I’ll be happy too.

 

*The title is inspired by Khalil Fong’s 特别的人 (Special Person)

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Linger

For someone at this age, I just realized that I am a type of person who can fall at a single touch. Maybe because tonight I can’t sleep so I think too much (too much caffeine in my blood). Or maybe because it is dawn already and they say you can think clearer at these small hours of the morning.

I am not a touchy feely. I can’t do that just casually. But to those I am close with, I can always feel.

There are several touches in some instances that still give me tingles even only by remembering them. And sometimes memories come rushing in with all butterflies in the stomach.

There is especially this one. It was even more than a decade ago. Until now, I can’t even figure why that happened. But the sensation I felt at that moment, I can still feel it.

Why is this lasting sensation? Chemistry? Because there’s some feeling that is put into the touch? Overthinking?
The memory lingers. The feeling lingers. The question lingers.

And then there’s this urge to see the one causes it. It’s not like I have any particular feeling now. Even when I check, I don’t feel anything (many times I even shudder because too many have changed, and I don’t even know was it used to be for real).

Though there’s this little thing, a what-if. What if I’ve asked the reason why that happened, what that touch meant. What if there is no change (appearance-wise, character-wise, status-wise). What if the time can rewind. If I knew the reason, would it make any difference now?

What is this exactly? I can’t even call it infatuation or obsession, because it’s less than that. But it feels deeper than just passing thought.

Honestly, I don’t like the now. I only like the used-to-be (or the one I used to imagine?). It is not the object, but the memory. But is it all just because it is unclear and unfinished?

Decaf

I craved some Americano this afternoon. So there I went and bought. Hell now I can’t even sleep a wink and it’s 3 am already here 😭

I know that I just can’t with caffeine. And now I regret it.

I plan to go to the gym tomorrow. But now, I don’t think so 😫😬

Cheat

Have seen, heard so many, too many stories. Too many reasons, too many motives, too many heartbreaks, too many tears, too many apologies, some forgiveness, some separations. Happiness, satisfaction, greed, pride, longing, bravery, love. Anger, fear, stupidity, despair, shame, inferiority, depression, disgust, hate.

“That person is so much better.”

“I am bored. I need something new.”

“Because that person is more beautiful.”

“I’ve found my true love.”

“That person is boring.”

“I’m just curious.”

“That person is too demanding, I feel suffocated.”

“No particular reason.”

“We are too different.”

“That person understands me more.”

“One is just not enough.”

“I no longer care.”

“It’s all for fun.”

“That person is no longer the same person I knew.”

“I fall in love again.”

“I fell out of love.”

“I’m sick of that person.”

“That person no longer cares about me.”

“Just too many arguments.”

“It just won’t work out.”

“That person is pathetic.”

“I am not happy.”

“That person can’t understand me.”

“Let’s just go our separate ways.”

“I hate that person.”

“This is only temporary.”

“No strings attached.”

“Let’s break up.”

“I can no longer tolerate that person.”

“The sex is great!”

“That person is my happiness.”

“That person has no time for me.”

“Money talks.”

“I can share my heart for two. Piece of cake.”

“I am happier without that person.”

“We are just in THAT stage of relationship. It’s not always bed of roses.”

“I can not trust that person anymore.”

“Is this relationship the right thing for me?”

“No more desire with that person…”

“This is so wrong.”

“This feels so right.”

“How could you?”

“Why can’t we?”

“Can we?”

“Is it all worth it?”

“If only…”

 

One thing leads to another.

People change with time. Or they are just assholes–the original, best kind of assholes. Sometimes it’s in the genes.

Or is it simply fate? Or fate is just for them to justify what’s inevitable; that they just can’t control their hormone?

Is it wrong to be in love? Is it right to be unfaithful?

It used to work. Not anymore. It used to work. It should still work now.

Grow old with you. Grow out of love because of you.

It’s not one man’s fault. It takes two to tango. The cheater and the cheated? The cheater and the cheater? The cheated and the cheater? The cheated and the cheated?

People make mistakes. People have brain for goodness sake. And sometimes heart too.

It’s so human. Yet so inhumane.

Blame God because it happened. Blame God because He created such kind of disgusting act. Thank God because it ever happened. Thank God because He created love.