Why Pink&Blue Theme here??

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(Credit:www.pantone.com)

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Test

Everything is like a test right now

Be it real life, or fangirling.

Not an ordinary test which just confuses you.

It is a painful kind of test.

Which means I just I have to get through it.

Or endure it until the pain feels numb. Continue reading

We’ll See

And I’m losing my mood to continue my long-pended post. I wrote about YongSeo, but  then I felt the need to check. And I checked and found out what I’ve been dreading. It gives unsettling feeling in my stomach.

Did that once.

I was disappointed and angry.

Said would stop.

But it starts again.

Maybe the temptation is too strong.

Maybe feeling nostalgic? Who knows.

And I’m almost disappointed again.

“Is there anything you want to tell me?”

I will see the reaction. I will watch, hawk-eyed.

“Did you meet?”

“Was it fun?”

Keep no promises.

Do it again and again, time to time.

Disappointing, as always.

 

 

It Is All about What Makes You Happy

I’ve been into fangirling since I was an elementary kid. The Backstreet Boys awakened this thing inside me. It’s old, I know, but they were awesome (oh, their latest “Don’t Go Breaking My Heart” is awesome too by the way!). Of course it was firstly about Nick Carter’s hair flip in “Get Down”, “Quit Playing Games”, “Anywhere for You” MVs which were all over MTV. I listened to their first albums daily. It was a cult!

However, before that, I’ve been into Chinese series, like The White Snake Legend, Return of The Condor Heroes, and Chiung Yao’s series.

And then my fangirling experience were simultaneously in between Western and Asian entertainments. Continue reading

Nausea

It is disgusting

What I just found out

I wish I had not seen it

Instead of doing what should be done, finding release

What a mind

What a character

Disgusting

Bruise

Yell

Throw

Grab

Push

Pin

Threaten

Intimidate

So this is his dark side

Was it my fault too?

But isn’t it still an abuse if it goes physical?

I don’t even know who should I talk to

Did I even go that bad that I deserve this?

Never knew how short his temper was

Always thought he was someone with compassion and patience

The dark side

Even people won’t believe it if I tell them

Maybe I triggered that darkness

He’s sleeping, as if nothing happened

And I’m not even scared

I’m not even sad

I am just upset that I could not hit him in the face, right in the face, at that moment

My dark side appears too

He hates me

Will he choke me when I’m asleep?

I don’t think I deserve this

Maybe I’ll forgive

Maybe I’ll forget

My Special Person

 

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我的特别的人 (credit: as tagged by owner)

 

I’ve been into Ten for a year now. It was exactly this month of last year. It started with a dream. And, a year later–few days ago–I dreamed about him again. Always with that perfect smile of his. His kind eyes. And I am in love again.

Before that, I missed him so bad. I felt almost empty. No news whatsoever for weeks (even months). But he was just actually there, somewhere in my heart and mind. That is why I dreamed. I unconsciously didn’t want to forget him.

And his recent activity has affirmed something. He is a special person–my special person. Because just by seeing him happy like that, brings tremendous joy to me.

I never meet him (except in dreams). But he is such an important person who can make me happy only by seeing him (or just by the news that he is okay). He is my special kind of happy pill. He is my special sunshine. He heals me.

I’ll always pray for his happiness. That is something I can do to pay him back.

Please smile everyday, Ten. Then I’ll be happy too.

 

*The title is inspired by Khalil Fong’s 特别的人 (Special Person)

Linger

For someone at this age, I just realized that I am a type of person who can fall at a single touch. Maybe because tonight I can’t sleep so I think too much (too much caffeine in my blood). Or maybe because it is dawn already and they say you can think clearer at these small hours of the morning.

I am not a touchy feely. I can’t do that just casually. But to those I am close with, I can always feel.

There are several touches in some instances that still give me tingles even only by remembering them. And sometimes memories come rushing in with all butterflies in the stomach.

There is especially this one. It was even more than a decade ago. Until now, I can’t even figure why that happened. But the sensation I felt at that moment, I can still feel it.

Why is this lasting sensation? Chemistry? Because there’s some feeling that is put into the touch? Overthinking?
The memory lingers. The feeling lingers. The question lingers.

And then there’s this urge to see the one causes it. It’s not like I have any particular feeling now. Even when I check, I don’t feel anything (many times I even shudder because too many have changed, and I don’t even know was it used to be for real).

Though there’s this little thing, a what-if. What if I’ve asked the reason why that happened, what that touch meant. What if there is no change (appearance-wise, character-wise, status-wise). What if the time can rewind. If I knew the reason, would it make any difference now?

What is this exactly? I can’t even call it infatuation or obsession, because it’s less than that. But it feels deeper than just passing thought.

Honestly, I don’t like the now. I only like the used-to-be (or the one I used to imagine?). It is not the object, but the memory. But is it all just because it is unclear and unfinished?

Decaf

I craved some Americano this afternoon. So there I went and bought. Hell now I can’t even sleep a wink and it’s 3 am already here 😭

I know that I just can’t with caffeine. And now I regret it.

I plan to go to the gym tomorrow. But now, I don’t think so 😫😬

Where Is Ten?

It’s months already… I pray that he is just fine… And most of all, happy. I hope he smile that beautiful smile everyday. I miss him so much 😟😭😇🙏

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credit: as tagged/owner