Everything is like a test right now
Be it real life, or fangirling.
Not an ordinary test which just confuses you.
It is a painful kind of test.
Which means I just I have to get through it.
Or endure it until the pain feels numb. Continue reading
And I’m losing my mood to continue my long-pended post. I wrote about YongSeo, but then I felt the need to check. And I checked and found out what I’ve been dreading. It gives unsettling feeling in my stomach.
Did that once.
I was disappointed and angry.
Said would stop.
But it starts again.
Maybe the temptation is too strong.
Maybe feeling nostalgic? Who knows.
And I’m almost disappointed again.
“Is there anything you want to tell me?”
I will see the reaction. I will watch, hawk-eyed.
“Did you meet?”
“Was it fun?”
Keep no promises.
Do it again and again, time to time.
Disappointing, as always.
I’ve been into fangirling since I was an elementary kid. The Backstreet Boys awakened this thing inside me. It’s old, I know, but they were awesome (oh, their latest “Don’t Go Breaking My Heart” is awesome too by the way!). Of course it was firstly about Nick Carter’s hair flip in “Get Down”, “Quit Playing Games”, “Anywhere for You” MVs which were all over MTV. I listened to their first albums daily. It was a cult!
However, before that, I’ve been into Chinese series, like The White Snake Legend, Return of The Condor Heroes, and Chiung Yao’s series.
And then my fangirling experience were simultaneously in between Western and Asian entertainments. Continue reading
It is disgusting
What I just found out
I wish I had not seen it
Instead of doing what should be done, finding release
What a mind
What a character
So this is his dark side
Was it my fault too?
But isn’t it still an abuse if it goes physical?
I don’t even know who should I talk to
Did I even go that bad that I deserve this?
Never knew how short his temper was
Always thought he was someone with compassion and patience
The dark side
Even people won’t believe it if I tell them
Maybe I triggered that darkness
He’s sleeping, as if nothing happened
And I’m not even scared
I’m not even sad
I am just upset that I could not hit him in the face, right in the face, at that moment
My dark side appears too
He hates me
Will he choke me when I’m asleep?
I don’t think I deserve this
Maybe I’ll forgive
Maybe I’ll forget
I mean, like after years?? Why???
I’ve been into Ten for a year now. It was exactly this month of last year. It started with a dream. And, a year later–few days ago–I dreamed about him again. Always with that perfect smile of his. His kind eyes. And I am in love again.
Before that, I missed him so bad. I felt almost empty. No news whatsoever for weeks (even months). But he was just actually there, somewhere in my heart and mind. That is why I dreamed. I unconsciously didn’t want to forget him.
And his recent activity has affirmed something. He is a special person–my special person. Because just by seeing him happy like that, brings tremendous joy to me.
I never meet him (except in dreams). But he is such an important person who can make me happy only by seeing him (or just by the news that he is okay). He is my special kind of happy pill. He is my special sunshine. He heals me.
I’ll always pray for his happiness. That is something I can do to pay him back.
Please smile everyday, Ten. Then I’ll be happy too.
*The title is inspired by Khalil Fong’s 特别的人 (Special Person)
For someone at this age, I just realized that I am a type of person who can fall at a single touch. Maybe because tonight I can’t sleep so I think too much (too much caffeine in my blood). Or maybe because it is dawn already and they say you can think clearer at these small hours of the morning.
I am not a touchy feely. I can’t do that just casually. But to those I am close with, I can always feel.
There are several touches in some instances that still give me tingles even only by remembering them. And sometimes memories come rushing in with all butterflies in the stomach.
There is especially this one. It was even more than a decade ago. Until now, I can’t even figure why that happened. But the sensation I felt at that moment, I can still feel it.
Why is this lasting sensation? Chemistry? Because there’s some feeling that is put into the touch? Overthinking?
The memory lingers. The feeling lingers. The question lingers.
And then there’s this urge to see the one causes it. It’s not like I have any particular feeling now. Even when I check, I don’t feel anything (many times I even shudder because too many have changed, and I don’t even know was it used to be for real).
Though there’s this little thing, a what-if. What if I’ve asked the reason why that happened, what that touch meant. What if there is no change (appearance-wise, character-wise, status-wise). What if the time can rewind. If I knew the reason, would it make any difference now?
What is this exactly? I can’t even call it infatuation or obsession, because it’s less than that. But it feels deeper than just passing thought.
Honestly, I don’t like the now. I only like the used-to-be (or the one I used to imagine?). It is not the object, but the memory. But is it all just because it is unclear and unfinished?
I craved some Americano this afternoon. So there I went and bought. Hell now I can’t even sleep a wink and it’s 3 am already here 😭
I know that I just can’t with caffeine. And now I regret it.
I plan to go to the gym tomorrow. But now, I don’t think so 😫😬
It’s months already… I pray that he is just fine… And most of all, happy. I hope he smile that beautiful smile everyday. I miss him so much 😟😭😇🙏