Everything is like a test right now

Be it real life, or fangirling.

Not an ordinary test which just confuses you.

It is a painful kind of test.

Which means I just I have to get through it.

Or endure it until the pain feels numb.


I am feeling for Ten. I don’t know how he feels. But I feel kind of offended for him? How does it feel to be him. He got solos and some other projects. But he is a part of a group for goodness sake. And I still can’t get over the fact that nobody from SM explained officially about his injury at that time. I felt very stressed for him. I feel all kinds of second-hand feelings for him. Well this is what fangirling is all about.

He doesn’t have fixed unit, yet. I don’t know if it is belittling him, or it is actually some short of flattery? Because the company chooses just to (almost) “separate” him from the others.

I swear I am happy for Jungwoo. I was almost afraid that he’d be pushed into the dungeon again. Thank God he’s out there with 127.

I just hope the news about China unit is true. That Ten will be there too. And I hope SM will not mess up with all its promotion later. Ten deserves it. Kun deserves it. The (supposed) new members deserve it. The long awaited China unit deserves it.

And there’s another test. The real life test. I am acting strong right now, when I actually feel like I want to freak out. I am actually on the verge of madness. Someone whom I supposed to trust has proved me wrong. I am utterly disgusted. I am disappointed.

Disappointed but not surprised. I have actually expected it? Well, “expect” is not actually the right word. There are just too many incidents of others around me, that show unfaithfulness. Whatever the hell that is. I was fully aware that it could always happen to me too. I always reminded myself time and time again. Open your eyes, because it might happen anytime. It is so common that it is no longer strange. But there was this very tiny hope within me. Maybe there was hope, maybe I got lucky.

No, I am not that lucky. Yes, maybe it is not as severe as other cases. But it is betrayal nonetheless. And even when I was always fully prepared, when it hit, it just hit through me. It struck to the very core of my being. I wanted to laugh while crying at the same time. Like, see? I know that I can’t put up my hope so high. Like, why is this so predictable?

There is always this sort of system inside my head. Saying that everything has its ups and downs. That everyone won’t always be happy. And this is one of them. So there’s no such thing as fully happy, because right around the corner, there’ll be some sadness waiting. It’s just a given right?

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