Linger

For someone at this age, I just realized that I am a type of person who can fall at a single touch. Maybe because tonight I can’t sleep so I think too much (too much caffeine in my blood). Or maybe because it is dawn already and they say you can think clearer at these small hours of the morning.

I am not a touchy feely. I can’t do that just casually. But to those I am close with, I can always feel.

There are several touches in some instances that still give me tingles even only by remembering them. And sometimes memories come rushing in with all butterflies in the stomach.

There is especially this one. It was even more than a decade ago. Until now, I can’t even figure why that happened. But the sensation I felt at that moment, I can still feel it.

Why is this lasting sensation? Chemistry? Because there’s some feeling that is put into the touch? Overthinking?
The memory lingers. The feeling lingers. The question lingers.

And then there’s this urge to see the one causes it. It’s not like I have any particular feeling now. Even when I check, I don’t feel anything (many times I even shudder because too many have changed, and I don’t even know was it used to be for real).

Though there’s this little thing, a what-if. What if I’ve asked the reason why that happened, what that touch meant. What if there is no change (appearance-wise, character-wise, status-wise). What if the time can rewind. If I knew the reason, would it make any difference now?

What is this exactly? I can’t even call it infatuation or obsession, because it’s less than that. But it feels deeper than just passing thought.

Honestly, I don’t like the now. I only like the used-to-be (or the one I used to imagine?). It is not the object, but the memory. But is it all just because it is unclear and unfinished?

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